


Alone

by Lindsey7618



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments (Movies), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Cutting, Depressed Alec, Depression, Hurt Alec, M/M, Malec, Post CoLS, Post-Book 5: City of Lost Souls, Sad Alec, Sad Alec Lightwood, Sad Ending, Self Harm, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, alec is depressed after the breakup, alec self harms, city of lost souls, magnus and alec - Freeform, post breakup, self harm cutting, self hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2018-12-27 08:46:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12077634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lindsey7618/pseuds/Lindsey7618
Summary: Once upon a time, Magnus became his escape. He had turned to his lover for help instead of turning to his blades, for a while. But Magnus was gone now, and he wasn't coming back. Alec had driven him away, and he wished he could take everything back, but he couldn't, he couldn't, and it was tearing him apart every second of every day.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: self harm (cutting). If this triggers you, please, please don't read!

  
_Come to me,_ Magnus had said. _When you feel like cutting, please come talk to me baby. You don't have to be alone. You can talk to me, I'll listen to anything you need to talk about, or I can distract you, hold you, anything. I'll always be here for you, darling._

Except that Magnus wasn't here now. He would never be here again. Alec was alone. He traced an old scar along the side of his thigh with the cold tip of his blade. A thousand unwanted emotions and feelings were bubbling at the surface of his mind- anger, bitterness, despair, loneliness- and he couldn't take it anymore. He didn't know how to handle everything. He needed his escape.

Once upon a time, Magnus became his escape. He had turned to his lover for help instead of turning to his blades, for a while. But Magnus was gone now, and he wasn't coming back. Alec had driven him away, and he wished he could take everything back, but he couldn't, he couldn't, and it was tearing him apart every second of every day.

Isabelle and Jace couldn't know he cut. It would hurt them, and they were all he had left in this world. He had to keep this inside, he had to keep everything to himself, and that was what was slowly killing him inside, slowly pushing him over the edge. What other choice did he have? He needed to do this, he needed to feel the coldness of the metal blade sliding over his skin, splitting it into two. He needed it. Overthinking was his worst enemy, and if he wasn't careful overthinking would kill him.

He glanced towards his bedroom door, checking for the hundredth time that it was closed and locked. He couldn't risk anyone catching him. Not that anyone would want to stop you anyway, he thought bitterly, and dragged the blade over his skin quickly as a sudden burst of self hate surged through him. Hate overtook him, and he gritted his teeth as the blade dug into his skin just a little.

For a moment he felt a sharp pain and he barely even flinched, used to it by now, but it soon faded into a dull ache. He swiped the blade across again, and then again. He glanced at his door again, knowing that no one could get in but needing to reassure himself it was still closed anyway.

His siblings couldn't find out. He had to stay strong- or at least, he had to keep appearing strong. Izzy and Jace needed him to be okay. He needed to be there for them. They couldn't see how weak he really was.

He was useless. He cut again.

He was disgusting. He wasn't beautiful like Magnus, or any of the many people Magnus had undoubtedly dated. He added a second cut.

He was a shitty brother. He couldn't protect his siblings. Max died because of him. He wasn't there to help him. A sob choked it's way through his throat as he cut once more. He couldn't do anything right. Another cut.

A loud sound startled him out of his thoughts, causing his arm to jerk and cut deeper than he meant to, and he realized someone was knocking on his door. He cursed as he dropped the blade, eyes wandering around his room in search of the blade and tissues or something to clean the blood. There wasn't a lot, but he wasn't used to cutting deep. He could never make himself do it. His cuts were too shallow, even they weren't good enough. He bit his lip.

The person knocked again. "Alec?" Isabelle sounded worried. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, don't worry, you just startled me," Alec called out as his eyes caught the blade and he snatched it up, shoving it under his pillow. "What do you need?"

"Food's ready. And no, I didn't cook it." Isabelle sounded reproachful. "So don't worry, it's not poisoned or anything, we just ordered Taki's. Are you coming down? And why is your door locked? Why aren't you opening the door?"

"Actually Iz, I'm super tired. Training's been taking a lot out of me recently, I've been working harder," he said, which was true. "I think I'm gonna go to bed now, I need to catch up on sleep."

There was the lie. He had no intention of going to bed. Not yet. He skipped over her last two questions and hoped she wouldn't notice.

"Oh, okay. Get some rest, big brother. You're too hard on yourself, stop working so much." Alec could practically see the disapproving expression on her face. "I'll save you some chicken. Love you."

He dried the blood off his thigh with a tissue. "Thanks Iz, love you too."

He waited until her footsteps faded to pick his blade back up, mentally breathing a sigh of relief. Unwanted thoughts started to creep back into his mind. He ruined everything in his life. He lost Magnus, his little brother was dead, and he was pushing people away more than usual. He didn't mean to- he just did it unconsciously.

Without thinking he slid the blade across again, feeling the familiar urge to watch new cuts form, tiny drops of blood appearing one after another in straight lines. He liked the blood, liked the scars. He deserved them anyway. He needed to cut. His emotions would become too much if he didn't.

He took a deep breath and before he could cut again his phone went off. He picked it up to find a text from Magnus and his heart skipped a beat. Why the hell was Magnus texting him? He hadn't said a word in weeks. He hadn't acknowledge Alec's presence once since the breakup. But as he read the first message the love of his life had sent him in ages, he felt his heart crumbling.

_Please stop texting me. Stop calling. Stop leaving letters. I don't want to talk to you. I'm sorry, but we're not dating anymore, it's over- stay away from me._

Tears threatened to fall, and he blinked them away rapidly. You pathetic unwanted loser, he thought, and his tears spilled over. "I fucking deserve this," he whispered savagely, "I fucking deserve to hurt and feel the pain."

There wasn't anyone left to stop him, anyone left to care, anyone to know. No one would understand. Magnus had been the last person to be there for Alec, and now he had nothing left. So what was the fucking point of even trying? He deserved to cut, and he knew it, and he just didn't fucking give a damn. Not anymore


	2. Infirmary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect anyone to like this story- people usually ignore anything I write about self harm. But apparently people actually didn't hate this?? lmao so I wrote another chapter. I hadn't intended to, but I figured why the hell not? This chapter probably sucks ass, I'm sorry, it's worse than the first.
> 
> Credit to the guests Luna and Rubytant for their ideas!! Thank you! I used Luna's idea of Alec getting hurt protecting Izzy.

Alec slid the blade over the thin skin on his hip again, digging in a little deeper this time. He closed his eyes and his head tipped back as he let the relief he felt flow through him. It felt so good, it felt like he was doing the right thing, it felt-

"Alec, are you almost ready?" Isabelle called through his door as she knocked.

_Fuck._

"Yeah, give me two minutes Iz, still changing," he yelled out, glancing around his room for his gear.

"Hurry up!" was all she said.

He wrapped up the cuts and quickly yanked his gear on, snatching up his dagger and throwing his door open.

"I'm ready," he announced, leading his siblings outside, ignoring Isabelle's low comments about how long he'd taken to get ready.

 

* * *

They hadn't anticipated so many demons. There were too many surrounding them, how the hell were they going to get out of this alive-

A piercing scream ripped through the air, and Alec flung himself around, recognizing his sister's voice, only to find Isabelle bent over the ground, clutching her fighting arm. Alec abandoned the demon he and Jace were fighting, fairly certain Jace would be alright, and rushed over to Isabelle's side to help.

Alec advanced on the Ravener, hoping to turn it's attention away from Izzy, and threw his dagger at the demon. The demon snarled as it came closer and a sudden sharp pain spread throughout Alec's body. Vaguely his brain registered the fact that the bandages on his hips had been ripped off and it felt like a fuck ton of blood was all over him.

 _Isabelle,_ he thought desperately as he felt himself hitting the ground, _I have to-_

* * *

 

 _"Dammit_ Magnus Bane, why the _hell_ aren't you picking up?" Isabelle was shouting into the phone by now and Jace was in no hurry to stop her.  
  
Maryse entered the room, her lips drawn into a thin line, but her posture as elegant as ever. "Catarina Loss is on her way," she announced over Izzy's profanities, glancing towards her daughter as she headed towards the Institute's front door. Her tonr was calm, her face expressionless. Jace knew she had trained herself to react this way.

Isabelle burst into tears, covering her mouth as the phone slipped out of her hand. Jace moved to hug her, but before he could reach her Simon had hurried forward to pull her into his embrace. Jace could hear him whispering into Izzy's ear and figured she was in good hands.

Maryse returned with Catarina, who nodded curtly to everyone before being lead to the infirmary. Jace followed.

"-was attacked by a Ravener," he overheard Maryse saying, "we think he's been poisoned, and there are cuts all over his body, I-" She stopped talking, and Jace knew she was composing herself. "Can you heal him?"

"I don't have much magic left in me," Catarina replied carefully. "But I can keep him alive. Magnus would be helpful-"

"Yes, well, Magnus isn't answering," Maryse interrupted shortly, and Jace paused, letting them go on without him. Making up his mind, he turned to grab a jacket and slip out of the Institute unnoticed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please please drop a comment and let me know what you thought! There's going to be at least one more chapter. Sorry this one is so short.


	3. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long wait! I'm running out of ideas, so any would be appreciated. Thanks so much if anyone's still interested lmao.

Jace kicked open Magnus’s front door. He hadn’t been answering, so oh fucking well. His door could be fixed, not that Jace gave a damn if it couldn’t anyway.

 

“Magnus Bane,” he growled as he stomped up the steps. “My brother is hurt because of you!”

 

Magnus appeared at the top, his expression neutral. “What are you talking about?”

 

“I said,” Jace repeated slowly, his voice dangerously low, “that my brother is fucking hurt because of you.”

 

“Alec?”

 

“Who else?” Jace shoved Magnus back. His mind was whirling with anger and frustration and dammit, Magnus deserved it.“ You hurt him! He’s in the infirmary, Catarina said she needed your help-”

 

“In the infirmary?” Magnus interrupted, his face now worried.

 

“Do I have to repeat everything I say?’’ Shouting now, Jace took a step forward, barely noticing how Magnus didn’t back away. “He’s been poisoned by a demon!”

 

“How exactly is that my fault?” Magnus demanded, eyes narrowing. “In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not the demon that hurt him.”

 

“No, but you’re clearly a demon of your own,” Jace snapped. Magnus’s expression didn’t change, but his jaw tightened. “He has cuts all over his body, Magnus.”

 

When Magnus only raised an eyebrow, Jace elaborated. “ _ Straight _ cuts. Perfectly parallel. All up and down his arms, his hips, his thighs.”

 

“Oh my god,” Magnus breathed out, his eyes now widening in realization. “He didn’t-”

 

“Well he did, and why else would he have done it except for you?” Jace reached out and yanked Magnus in by the shirt, which would have been funny in any other situation considering Magnus was much taller than him. “You’re going to come to the Institute. You’re going to help heal Alec, you’re going to _ fix him _ , and then you're going to leave, understand?”

 

Magnus pried Jace’s fingers off of him. The coldness in his expression had returned. He turned around and walked back into his apartment.

 

* * *

 

Jace marched into the infirmary with Magnus in tow, stopping in front of Maryse as she looked up. “I brought Magnus.”

 

“Thank god,” Catarina said, beckoning the other warlock forward. “I need all the help I can get, I don't have enough in me to- Magnus?”

 

Magnus had stopped in the middle of the room, staring at Alec, lips parted, eyes sad. He swallowed and started towards the bed. “I'll give him some of my strength. Jace, Maryse, could you give us some room?”

 

“There's plenty of room, the infirmary is huge,” Jace snapped, but a firm hand grasped his shoulder and began tugging him out of the room. Jace glanced back at Maryse as they went, not daring to resist. 

 

(Magnus’s pov)

 

Magnus placed his hands over Alec’s chest and closed his eyes. He felt the bed shift as Catarina did the same. He focused all his energy on pouring the majority of his strength into Alec as he hoped they could save him.

 

* * *

 

The door to the infirmary opened and Magnus and Catarina appeared. Everyone’s heads shot up and Jace narrowed his eyes. “How is he?”

 

“I'll let Magnus explain,” Cat murmured, stepping around everyone else. “Don't worry about the charge, Maryse.”

 

All eyes turned towards the only Downworlder left and Magnus stepped forward, only to stumble. Izzy was up in an instant to grab him and help him to a seat. 

 

“Why are you helping him?” Jace shook his head in disgust. 

 

“He's here to help.” Isabelle purses her lips. “I don't forgive you,” she said to Magnus, “and I'm still pissed as hell but you care about my brother. Now explain. The-the scars, the cuts- tell me they aren't…”

 

Magnus looked away, unable to bear watching her expression of worry change once he answered her. “He'll live. He's better now, we got him into a stable position. As for the marks- I don't think anyone here is naive about what they are.”

 

“How could he do this to himself?” Maryse took in a deep breathe. “How could he hurt us all like this?” Magnus didn't mistake the anger that flashed through her eyes and he didn't like it. 

 

“I'm sure that's what he was thinking, yes,” he snapped. “I'm sure he was trying to hurt you on purpose. Guess what, Lightwood-”

 

“Okay, Magnus, you look exhausted and I think you need to get some rest. You don't look like have enough magic left in you to make a portal or even walk back home. Let's go.”

 

Magnus bit his lip, but let Isabelle drag him up and into the infirmary, avoiding Maryse’s pissed expression, aware that Izzy’s interruption was probably for the best.

 

“Is he going to be okay?” she asked softly once the door was shut. 

 

He slowly dropped down onto the bed. “Physically? Yes. Mentally?” He shook his head. 

 

There was silence for a moment. “He needs you,” Isabelle eventually said. “I know Jace probably screamed at you and told you to stay away, but you're what Alec needs. Nobody else can save him. You have to stay and help, Magnus.”

 

Magnus couldn't look away from her pleading. “I don't know, Izzy.”

 

“Magnus,” she whispered. Her breathing was irregular, tears dripping down. “You have to try. For me, for Alec. Please.”

 

Her voice hardened. “I will never forgive you if you don't.”

 

Magnus didn't look at her. He didn't know what else to do and he wanted to help Alec. But he didn't want to hurt him more by staying. Alec was precious, and he deserved to get better. He made up his mind, letting out a tired sigh. Slowly he raised his head and his eyes met Isabelle’s. 

 

“I’ll stay.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please drop some comments/kudos if you haven't already! Some feedback would be GREATLY appreciated- I'm literally begging.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? She's updating? And it hasn't been three months yet? (...sorry about that, I suck at updating.) where did the real Lindsey go?
> 
> This chapter is kinda a filler chapter, but there's emotional bonding between Magnus and Izzy! Plus, Alec might wake up in this chapter. Or he might not. ;)

Bright lights blinded Alec’s eyes as he opened them, blinking furiously. He pushed himself up on his elbows and started coughing, falling back down limply. Everywhere hurt; he couldn't pinpoint an exact location of pain.

“Alexander,” a quiet, all too familiar voice said from his right, and he froze for a moment before turning his head, hair falling into his eyes.

Magnus reached a hand out towards the Shadowhunter’s face, but seemed to change his mind halfway through and dropped it. Alec brushed the hair away himself and cleared his throat. “What are you doing here?” He coughed, realizing his mouth was dry and he was dying of thirst.

Magnus snapped his fingers and a bottle of water appeared following a spark of blue. “Drink.”

Alec did as he was told, all too aware of the otherwise awkward silence as the water bottle crinkled. Alec studied his ex’s face, noting the dark circles under his eyes and the smudged eyeliner.

“Alec,” Magnus broke the silence, “we've seen- why did you hurt yourself?”

Oh, shit. Alec felt himself tense. He slowly lowered the bottle to his lap and managed to sit up. “What are you talking about?” he asked in a low tone. Playing dumb was better than admitting the truth. That he couldn't stand himself, that the pain was too much for himself to handle and all he could do to survive was cut it out of him. He couldn't bring himself to look Magnus in the eye.

“Alec, I'm not stupid. I know what self harm looks like. I know you've been hurting, I know you feel-”

“Don't tell me how I feel!” Alec’s voice rose and he turned his face to glared at Magnus. “You don't know how I feel! You don't fucking know, stop assuming things!”

Magnus barely reacted, but his shoulders sagged. “You're right,” he said wearily after a moment. “I don't know how you feel. Help me understand, Alec, please. I want to help.”

“You can't help.” Alec turned his head away. “You can't help me and I don't want help, so don’t waste your time on me. I'm not worth it, am I?” he said bitterly.

Magnus touched his arm and Alec flinched away. Drawing back, the warlock said, “what are you talking about? Of course you're worth it.”

Tears blurred Alec’s vision, but he fought to keep himself under control. It was always about control. “Leave.”

“Alec-”

“I don't want you here! Fine, whatever, stay, but I'm done talking.”

Alec lay back down and closed his eyes. He waited until he heard Magnus get up and close the door, though not before he heard the whispered words, “I won't give up on you, Alexander.”

 

“He won't talk to me, Izzy, I don't know what to do.”

Frustrated, Magnus was pacing around the carpeted floor of Isabelle’s bedroom.

“Look, Magnus, he'll come around.” Izzy grabbed his shoulders and held him in place, looking him in the eyes. “He needs you, and you need him. Talk to him later, after he's rested a bit more. I'll go in and talk to him, loosen him up a little, and then you'll have your chance.”

Magnus sighed, dropping down onto her bed. “He wouldn't talk, acted like he had no idea what I was talking about.” He looked up to see tears sliding down Izzy’s face and immediately felt bad. “Shit, I'm sorry-”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” she quickly interrupted. “Nothing to apologize for. Magnus, frankly, you look like shit. You need to sleep. Go to the guest bedroom and get some rest- do you need me to show you where it is?”

Magnus shook his head and smiled wryly. “I’ve never been invited to use it. Your ancestors, some of them anyway, and Shadowhunters friends have always treated me like scum, they'd be horrified to know you were offering me a room.”

“My ancestors can take a cactus and shove it up their huge, dead asses for all I care,” Isabelle said firmly. “Actually, I care a lot, and that's exactly what I hope they do.” The fierceness in her voice made Magnus smile. “You've fucked up, but you're like family to me. You're going to fix this mess and make up with Alec. And before you do all that, you're going to walk down to the guest room and get some damn rest. Understand?”

Magnus let out a breathy laugh. “Yes,” he said, and he stood, and after a moment’s hesitation he offered her a hug. She paused herself, but a second later wrapped her arms around him and her shoulders shook just a few times before she pulled away and wiped her eyes. “Thank you,” she whispered. “I'm going to see Alec.”

She turned and left the room quickly, leaving Magnus to stand there. He sighed and made his way to his room to sleep. He had no doubt that Isabelle would murder him if he didn't, and he wasn't looking to die today. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Drop some comments and kudos please?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! This chapter is short, sorry about that. I had some writers block but hopefully I'll update more often.

Isabelle shut the infirmary door quietly behind her, making her way over to the bed where a Alec lay, eyes closed. "Alec?" she asked softly, reaching down to brush the hair out of his face.  
  
His eyes opened and he yawned. "Iz." He sounded tired. "Are you okay?"  
  
She let out a breathy laugh. "Am I okay? Alec, you- you're the one with injuries all over your body."  
  
Alec shook his head. "Don't call them that. That implies they were demon injuries or wounds from hunting. But you know everyone else would call me weak, pathetic. They wouldn't think these wounds are worthy of the word "injuries"."  
  
Isabelle swallowed, breathing in to keep herself composed. "Alec, you're not weak. You've never been weak. You're strong, and caring, and smart. You're funny and sweet and an amazing big brother. Even if you don't believe those things."  
  
Alec turned his eyes away from her and didn't reply. Izzy sat on the bed and took his hand. "I'm so glad you're alive," she said after a moment, the words coming out choked, and Alec pushed himself up before pulling her into him.  
  
"Hey, hey," he murmured into her hair. "I'm okay, I'm right here. I'm sorry, Iz."  
  
They stayed like that for a few minutes until Isabelle's crying slowed and she drew back, wiping her tears. "I love you," she said quietly. She took a deep breath. "Magnus wants to help. I know you're upset with him and you have every right to be, but Alec," she quickly said when he opened his mouth, "at least hear him out, please?"  
  
She squeezed his hand, silently begging him to agree. He sighed and nodded after a moment. She closed her eyes and leaned back into him for another hug. "Thank you," she whispered.

 

* * *

  
Alec was sitting up in bed with a book in his lap, but he glanced up when the door opened and Magnus appeared, slowly approaching him.  
  
"I just want to talk," he said, and Alec folded his arms.  
  
"Talk," he said shortly.  
  
Magnus bit his lip and Alec watched his fingers dance nervously at his side. "Alec," Magnus finally started, "I'm sorry. I know that I hurt you, and it was because I myself was hurt. But I made a mistake in letting you go. I never let you explain, you were right. And if you want I'm ready to hear you out now."  
  
Alec shook his head. "After all this time now you're willing to listen?" he asked bitterly. "I was never going to shorten your life. I just wanted to know you better. You never told me anything about your past, you kept it all a secret and I know what I did was wrong and I'm so sorry, I just. I just wanted to know you."  
  
Magnus looked like he was struggling to keep it together. "It wasn't fair of me to keep things from you, Alec. I was childish myself sometimes and for that I'm sorry. I miss you, Alec, I still love you." His voice was soft, full of regret. "I don't want to lose you."  
  
Alec was quiet for a moment. "What are you saying?"  
  
"I'm saying...I'm saying that I want to try again, us."  
  
Alec let out a breath. "I don't know that I'm ready for that, Magnus. I need time to think." He missed Magnus, and god he wanted him back more than anything, but he was afraid they'd fall apart again and wasn't sure he wanted to be there to feel it.  
  
Magnus nodded slowly. "Okay. Can-" he broke off, seemingly changing his mind, and looked down.  
  
"I still want to be friends, Magnus," Alec said quietly. "I miss you, too."  
  
There was an awkward silence and then Magnus asked "can I hug you?"  
  
Alec held out his arms and let Magnus wrap his own around him. This felt familiar and it hurt that they weren't the same anymore.   
  
"Whenever you're ready," Magnus whispered, "you can talk to me. I want to help you, Alec."  
  
Alec just shook his head. "I'm not so sure I want help at all, Magnus."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this was more of a filler chapter and it kinda sucked. I wanted Alec to take Magnus back right away haha but I didn't feel like that was as realistic and you know, conflict and breaking my readers hearts. :) Anyway, let e know what you thought!! Please. Don't be afraid to give constructive criticism, I'd love that!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! I hope this doesn't suck. I'm too tired to read over it again.

**(Disclaimer: this first part in italics wasn’t written by me and belongs to Cassandra.)**

 

_ Softly, Magnus said, ‘’Aku cinta kamu.” _

 

_ “What does that mean?” _

 

_ Magnus disentangled himself from Alec’s grip. “It means I love you. Not that that changes anything.” _

 

_ “But if you love me-” _

 

_ “Of course I do. More than I thought I would. But we’re still done,” Magnus said. “It doesn’t change what you did.” _

 

_ “But it was just a mistake,” Alec whispered. “One mistake-” _

 

_ Magnus laughed sharply. “One mistake? That’s like calling the maiden voyage of the Titanic a minor boating accident. Alec, you tried to shorten my life.” _

 

_ “It was just- she offered, but I thought about it and I couldn’t go through with it-I couldn’t do that to you.” _

 

_ “But you had to think about it. And you never mentioned it to me.” Magnus shook his head. “You didn’t trust me. You never have.” _

 

_ “I do,” Alec said. “I will- I’ll try. Give me another chance-” _

 

_ “No,” Magnus said. “And if I might give you a piece of advice: Avoid Camille. There is a war coming, Alexander, and you don’t want your loyalties to be in question. Do you?” _

 

_ And with that he turned and walked away, his hands in his pockets- walking slowly, as if he were injured, and not just from the cut in his side. But he was walking away just the same. Alec watched him until he moved beyond the glow of the witchlight and out of sight. _

  
  


Alec winced at the memory still fresh in his mind. It hurt to remember how Magnus had left him, despite feeling like he had deserved it. “Deserved” was a word he both loved and hated. But it was true, he thought. He had done something horrible, even if he hadn’t gone through with shortening Magnus’s life. He deserved to hurt.

 

_ “It means I love you. Not that that changes anything.” _

 

He closed his eyes. He wanted to scream. He could never stop thinking.

His wrists ached to be sliced into. He rubbed them slowly, feeling the sting of the still healing cuts as the friction burned. Could he get away with it? Isabelle had been watching him like a hawk the past few days. But she wasn’t here now. He was pretty sure she wasn’t even home.

 

He slid off his bed and padded into the bathroom. They had let him move back into his room last night. After they made up last night, Alec had asked Magnus about convincing the others to let him move. “I’ll go whether they like it or not,” he had said.

 

He shut the bathroom door and locked it. He pulled out his blades. Thank god no one threw them away. 

 

Magnus had been right to leave. Alec wasn’t worth loving. Wasn’t worth anything. He yanked his shirt off and stared at his arms, but decided it was too obvious. Moving to his hips instead, he started cutting. The pain was like a breath of fresh air, a relief. It had only been a few days but fuck, he’d missed this.

 

A knock sounded and he stiffened. “Alec?” Magnus called through the door.

 

“Yeah?” He hoped he sounded normal.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, just about to shower. What’s up?”

 

“Oh, I’ll just wait for you then, if that’s okay?”

 

“Uh, sure.” Alec sighed quietly. Guess he’d have to shower now.

 

A few minutes later the hot water was running down his skin, the water biting into the fresh cuts. It hurt like hell, but he loved it. When he was done he pulled on his clothes and hurried into his room. Magnus was sitting on his bed, and he looked up as Alec approached.

 

“Hey,” he said quietly, moving over. Alec sat. “So, how are you feeling?”

 

Alec shook his head. “Oh, no. We’re not doing this, Magnus, please. It doesn’t matter.”

 

“Of course it matters, Alec, I care about you. I love-”

 

“No,” Alec snapped, standing. “Don’t.” He closed his eyes and breathed in. “Sorry.” He sat down again. 

 

After a moment Magnus broke the silence. “Do you want to get some coffee?”

 

Alec looked at him in surprise. “Coffee?” he repeated dumbly.

 

“Yes, Alexander. Coffee. It’s a drink millions of people-”

 

Alec smacked him on the arm. “I know what coffee is, jackass.” A half smile hinted at his lips. “I...I guess.”

 

Magnus smiled, and with the sunlight shining across his face and his features lit up with that smile, he looked beautiful. “Great. Let’s go-” He hesitated, and Alec followed his line of sight. He tensed, moving a hand to cover the bottom of his sweater where blood was soaking through.

 

“Alec,” Magnus said softly. “How bad?” He reached a hand out, then pulled it back.

 

The look on his face was unbearable. “I don’t want pity,” Alec said, hoping he wouldn't cry. “I’m fine.”

 

Magnus shook his head. “I don’t pity you. This is empathy and worry. Please let me see it, Alec, let me take care of you. Let someone take care of you for once.”

 

His voice was gentle, soothing, and that was all it took. Alec burst into tears and Magnus was there in a second, holding him and whispering into his ear. “I’ve got you, darling.”

 

He rubbed Alec’s back and Alec rested his head on Magnus’s shoulder. Once he calmed down a little, he apologized through quiet sobs and a muffled voice.

 

“It’s alright,” Magnus said, “I’m here for you.” He sounded pained, like he was hurt when Alec was. “Why don’t I heal your cuts and then we can go out for that coffee and you can talk if you want to?”

 

Alec nodded his head. “I, uh, thank you,” he said, and it came out as a whisper. Magnus squeezed his hand in reply.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please drop a comment with some feedback!! What do you like about this fic? What don't you like?


	7. Coffee Dates and Fixing Each Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait!! I had writers block.

“So.” Magnus stirred his coffee slowly, hoping the right words to say would come to him if he stirred enough.

 

Alec glanced up at him for a moment before dropping his gaze back to the muffin in front of him. He didn’t seem to know what to say. Magnus couldn’t blame him. He hadn’t meant for this coffee date to be so awkward.

 

“Um.” Alec cleared his throat. “How have things been with you?”

 

Magnus considered lying for a moment. “Not great,” he finally answered honestly. “Things have been terrible since our- since the-“ He broke off and closed his eyes. It was hard to say it, but he knew Alec would understand.

 

“Yeah.” Alec’s voice was low. “Same.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Magnus replied after a moment, and Alec shook his head.

 

“So am I,” he whispered, honesty clear in his tone, and he looked up at Magnus, his blue eyes shimmering and his expression raw.

 

* * *

 

Alec closed his bedroom door and sighed. The coffee date with Magnus had gone better than expected. They had talked without fighting and made some progress. He felt better than he had in a long time.

 

He headed towards his bed, chucking his jacket off onto a nearby chair. Suddenly his bedroom door burst open and Isabelle barreled in. “Tell me about your date!” She demanded, one higher than usual.

 

“How did you know?’ Alec spluttered.

 

“I know everything.” Isabelle raised an eyebrow and pushed him onto the bed, sitting beside him. “Now spill. Are you two back together?”

 

“No, Iz.” Alec sighed. “I said I wanted to take things slow.”

 

A sharp pain hit his arm. Isabelle pulled her hand away. “Why would you do a stupid thing like that?”

 

Alec bit back a laugh. “Because I’m, well. I’m afraid, Izzy. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I hurt him again, get hurt myself?”

 

“Life is full of risks, big brother.” Isabelle’s once was soft now. “There will always be a “what if”. Do you want to regret this?”

 

Alec shook his head. “I’m still scared though.”

 

“What do you want from him?” Izzy took his hand and stared into his eyes. “Do you want him back, Alec?”

 

He hesitated to say it out loud, but inside his mind screamed yes. He slowly nodded his head yes.

 

“Then go tell him, big brother.”

 

* * *

 

Alec nervously chewed on his lip as he waited for Magnus to arrive. After his talk with Isabelle last night he had decided he’d never be ready so wasn’t now the perfect time?

 

There was a knock and he jumped to answer his door. Magnus stood on the other side, looking worried.

 

“Alec,” he said, striding in after Alec stepped aside. “Is everything alright?”

 

“Yes-no-yeah, I mean, I just want to talk.” Alec’s mind was whirling with so many unsaid thoughts that he had to get out.

 

“Look, Magnus, I know you said you wanted to try us again and I said I needed time but I’ve had some time, not much I know, but the thing is you know I’ve missed us too and I don’t know, if you’re still willing, I mean, well-“

 

He couldn’t stop talking and it was all coming out to fast until suddenly Magnus’s lips were on his own and Alec’s walls came crashing down. He wrapped his arms around his warlock and pulled him closer until they broke apart to breathe.

 

“Um.” Alec blinked. “Does this mean-“

 

“Yes,” Magnus laughed out. “If you’re sure I mean. Was that kiss okay?” He seemed unsure and Alec wanted to kiss him again.

 

“It was perfect, Mags.”

 

Maybe they could fix each other after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please drop some comments/feedback! I'm begging lmao.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please drop some comments if you have time, I always appreciate them.
> 
> I love you all (and if anyone ever needs to talk about anything at all I'm always here).
> 
> ~Linds.


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